But that's not what this story is about. I was driving home because he was still feeling woozy and about halfway home a song came on called See Her On The Weekend by Andrew McMahon. It talks about his girlfriend being pregnant and at that moment, Sean brought up that one of our close friends was expecting. Without another thought, I shut off the song and broke down. Of course I was happy for them, but there was another reason.
It was early November 2013 when Sean and I were watching Rosemary's Baby. I had stopped taking my birth control because they were making me incredibly sick and irritable. Later that night, Sean and I decided we were going to start trying for a baby. I knew I had weird cycles, but I was still hopeful and every doctor I'd talked to about it said it shouldn't impede my ability to get pregnant.
Flash forward to our drive home. It had almost been an entire year filled with dozens of pregnancy tests and no luck. I had only one more breakdown before that during Mother's Day at church and it had been close to 6 months (I'm not going to do the math because). We got home, I was still pretty broken up (and happy for our friends) but I really started worrying. I didn't want to face that I might be infertile and we'd have to be trying for who knows how much longer.
It was early November 2014 when I came down with a really weird bug. I threw up 12 times in the middle of the night and had a pretty high fever. We were living with my parents and I was working as a special needs tutor at a nearby charter school. I went in to work the next day (a Monday) and told them about what I was feeling and they looked at me like I was crazy and sent me home. After a quick nap and no more vomiting that day, on a whim, I took a really cheap pregnancy test we had on hand (that came with our ovulation kit) and a very faint second line appeared.
Sure I was going crazy, I went upstairs to consult my mother. It definitely seemed positive to her, and luckily I had another nicer test in my bathroom. So, naturally, I took it and it also showed positive. I had no words. I had no brain power to comprehend. I was elated.
I know I've already written this post before, but I omitted one big important aspect. Infertility. It is the most terrifying, frustrating, and heart-wrenching thing a woman who wants to be a mom can experience. I know I've only had a taste of it. A bit, year-long taste. I couldn't imagine going yearS or having to do infertility treatments or being told out-right that I won't be a natural mother. I am so proud of the strength women who experience it have. As a little girl, I would stuff animals up my shirts pretending to be pregnant and I couldn't imagine having to tell that little girl that her dreams are impossible.
Flash forward to today and my little one is running around in a thermal shirt & diaper, waving around a ladle and repeating the same sounds over and over (and over and over) again. I turn on youtube and Andrew McMahon has a new song out. I've heard it before, but today was a little different. Milo's adorable baby-toddler figure, crazy hair, and beautiful blue eyes were watching the video with me and I knew all the waiting and wondering was worth it.
Milo, "You're the reason I'm still up at dawn, just to see your face."
(Disclaimer: the song doesn't have anything to do with having a baby, it's really just Andrew McMahon's voice that's the reminiscent bit. But still listen to the song because it's beautiful.)
If anyone is suffering from this silent demon, please know that I would be more than happy to listen to your struggles and buy you an ice cream (or cheeseburger, or whatever).
Love, Miss Ellen